Tuesday, 29 March 2011

‘The Turdis’ that came ‘turd’ at the Bog-Oscars.

The only time the real truth and nothing but the truth - truly comes out is when a man is
'Pointing his percy at the porcelain'
This time around, the whole notion for the ‘toilet humour’ theme and content of this post was born out of commenter’s material I read yesterday on a blog I follow down in Christchurch, New Zealand called - http://morecanterburytales.blogspot.com/ and hosted by its lady author “The Sagittarian”.


As we now know, the city of Christchurch in the large east coast region of ‘Canterbury’ on South Island, was devastated by an appalling earthquake on 22nd February and subsequently, between 163 and 220 people tragically lost their lives.

Very fortunately, ‘Saj’ managed to escape injury from her heavily damaged office building, even though an adjacent building collapsed into its stairwell, and she eventually made it back home to find her two daughters mercifully safe but shaken, sitting out front of their severely damaged Christchurch home.

One of the great many serious and immediate challenges to be overcome by the wider population of Christchurch at large, was the disruption to the city water supplies and the major damage that had been caused to the network of sewage pumping stations throughout the city. But of course, when you’ve really got to go, you’ve really ‘got to go’, as the true but hackneyed old saying ‘goes’.

In spite of the fact that many of the low lying residential areas were now covered in a sea of ghastly grey sludge several inches deep, the local government gave out instructions for people to start digging holes in their gardens to act as temporary toilet pits until the water supplies and sewage pumping systems could be repaired back to full service again.

New Zealander's call these outdoor toilet pits ‘Long Drops’.

A bog with an even bigger hole in it - A bog on a bog - And a Lemming's 'last piss take' bog .
Faced with a set of sensitive needs and wants that well exceed the mere painfully obvious, the home grown DIY Long Drop architect must take into account a sizable number of bespoke design features and provisions to ensure that all visiting long droppers, of either gender, are able to happily endure as well as safely indulge in the very private business of external toiletry ablutions, in an environment of comfort and ergonomics that best befits their wider social tastes, cultural lifestyles and of course - personal privacy's.

Not an easy task this. Least of all when as a family you are collectively trying to secure an area within the dangerously wrecked remains of your property, that will provide you all with hopefully an acceptable level of safety and protection from the elements, especially while you and your children are asleep at night and you are constantly experiencing the sometimes terrifying aftershocks and tremors that you know could bring the already weakened remains of your property crashing down upon you in an instant, with potentially catastrophic and deadly results. No laughing matter.

A bog for a 'loose' but busy bogger - A cat that saw you nekid on the 'long drop' - And a pic of a wise dog bog..
However, in times of great hardship and difficulty, the more determined and resilient aspects of the human spirit along with a healthily colourful sense of humour, and our natural will to survive, have often inspired us to step up to the stage and face our adversaries with some often quite unexpected examples of creative ingenuity and originality.

As an intelligent society we have a vast capacity for inventiveness, most especially when we are on the back foot. Necessity being the mother ‘nature’ of all invention on this occasion, here is yet another fine display of our proud and distinguished record of adapting and improvising in order to stay comfortably afloat in a crisis.

Talking of floaters…

Following the quake in Christchurch, Canterbury – an enterprising individual constructed a website called: http://www.showusyourlongdrop.co.nz, specifically to showcase the myriad of photo images that had begun to surface of all the new and varied ‘long drop’ dumping dens in Cantabrian gardens and back yards. What started out as a bit of moral boosting – “my long drops better than yours” - toilet humour, quickly gathered a pace and a momentum that caught the eye of the National Press, as well as a few regional commercial sponsors.

The net result of the unbridled growth of this brand new Kiwi Internet phenomenon were two competitions – One: ‘The Public Vote Award’, and Two: The Press Vote Award. In other words…the very first Province of Canterbury, New Zealand - ’Bog Oscars’.

A clever promotion bog - A heffalump on a bog - And a time saving customer convenience bar bog.
Held just recently under streams of soft toilet tissue and amidst much banter and stinky toilet wit – the first ever ‘Long Drop Bog Oscars’ took place.

Dress code for the event was stipulated as ‘Briefs, Y-fronts, Panties, Winter thongs and Thermal underwear, absolutely must be worn, in the anatomical place and manner in which they were so intended. Although pyjama trousers, shorts and jeans should be worn at half mast and all those choosing to wear T-shirts, dresses, skirts or full length gowns should raise them to the fully hitched position when they step up to receive their awards from the golden carpet. Or as I say at home..."Bomb Bay Doors Open".

Well it now seems that we have a bit of a shy and modest ‘Kiwi’ celebrity in our bloggy midst. It’s clearly apparent now that our ‘Sagittarian Saj’ has been hiding her little bushel in a…well it’s a kind of flying phone box really, over these last few weeks and I think maybe she’s feeling an incy wincy bit flushed, because a discreetly posted email link has revealed that our ‘Saj’ has just picked up two of the ‘Bog Oscars’ gongs in person.

So…in the Public Vote category, in ‘Turd Place’ - to coin a very Irish phrase – for her part as best supporting actress in her first starring role – goes to “The Sagittarian and The Turdis” – the inspiration for which arose from her lifelong love of the ‘Dr Who’ TV series, and has now been contrived into both shrine and long drop reading room, having landed permanently down the bottom of her garden.

'The Turdis'
And..in The Press Vote category, ’Number Ones Place’ also goes to…”The Sagittarian And The Turdis”. Plus a prize of a full year’s supply of bog rolls. And here’s the living proof: 

Well Woopy Doopy Doo to you Saj girl and our hearty congratulations and best wishes for a long drop well dug. Definitely one that will go down in the anals of your family history, and I make absolutely no apology what so ever for ‘pulling your chain’ here ! So hey ho and there you go oh newly crowned Queen of the Turdis – sit on that and read till your good and dun why don’t you.

An it's no dunny good tryin to hide behind the paper cos we all know who it is!!                  Ho Hum.

And so where ever you are and what ever you're doing right now 'Saj', we're all damn jolly glad that you and your family and friends managed to scrape through this living nightmare without physical injury, even though you have experienced such devastation to your home. 

From those who don't yet know you, but will now hopefully take the time to click on these links and come say Hi! to you all down there, and from me and the rest who have already traded humour with you on your 'spirited blog', we all wish you as painless and speedy as possible a return to normal life and a safely re-built family home again. xx

And...just when you thought you were 'dunny dun dun' so as to speak - after "The Turdis", here are my personal favourite couple of examples of the perfect 'Pissoir' as they say in France, when referring to fully detached out of doors toilette's. So whether you have to squeeze yours out in a 'dunny' a 'long drop' a 'pissoir' or a 'khazi'...here's some more I prepared earlier:

Sarkozy's personal pissoir.



And as a chuckle and a tribute to a fellow blogga,
here's another one I prepared earlier:
"Fly's Antithesis 'Pissoir'
 to his frogs-croakworth above this one "

   And for all of you out there who are already fully familiar with the highly amusing, acerbic witticism's within 'Mme Fly's extremely well informed blog about the countless vagaries and often farcical activities within the French local and central government political system - you will relate to the above contrivance of her personal 'pissoir' of preference more than most.

Here then too, are the links to both her highly entertaining and informative blogs:


And finally - another selection of toilet craptivity image stuff you can find around the bogs on the web...






Ooooh! Very Very Scary Wary... Long Drops !!

The ultimate designer cure for constipated wannabe dumpsters this one.

You won't need turbo laxatives, just feel your way into this one with a blindfold on, sit down, hold on tight, 'whip the blindfold off' and... Bingo!!
"You've just successfully crapped yourself"

 Congratulations!

*Now go wash your hands...*


The Ultimate 'Bucking Bronco Bog'
Hmmm?!
 
And I've just gotta get me one of these. Just can't wait to see the expression
on the face of the customs guy at the airport when he opens this one up.

'A Bog in a Briefcase' - Perfect.
Okay...I've had enough so you can all 'pissoir off' now, and try doing something useful and productive with your day...Nitey Nitey Nite Nite and hope the dunny bugs don't bite..

27 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well at least the trauma of the earthquake would have been a cure for constipation, avoiding the need for a prolonged visit to the outdoor bog. If your shit doesn't flow after an event like that it probably never will. Was there a bog in the real tardis, I wonder? There was certainly plenty of room, but I don't remember The Doctor ever needing to empty his bowels. Maybe Time Lords are like fairies.

Phil said...

For Barking Out Loud Kongy! How the banana skins did you do that??! Every single bluddy time I sneak out before dawn to load up my next blog post and way before I manage to slink back to my cave again – “KABOOOM!!” – You’ve swung in behind me and etched your mark!!!

I’ve just seen your brand new still steaming comment…pegged it outside for the third time in a row, scrambled up onto the roof of my rock pile and all I can hear is you honking and barking back off again into the distance, through all the tall trees, on your sodding turbo-vine.

Read My Lips…”MY BLOGGER IN DRAFT DOES NOT WORK ! ! !”

Which equates to the fact that I need about two bluddy days at least to spot and iron out all the typos and other horribly written tosh – then re-write it a few dozen or so times till it’s fit for blogging consumption.

Geeeeez.

Truth is this time…I haven’t even read your damn comment yet. Just saw your Gorilla Bananas icon, said some abbreviated Anglo Saxon stuff…and lunged through the hole at the front of my cave.

An you can beat your chest as loud as you like Konger Wonger, because ‘next time’ I’m going to climb up on my roof before I press the ‘publish post’ button – then whisper down harshly to someone else in my tribe to ‘press the publish’ button!

You big hairy git.

the fly in the web said...

I am touched...and not just by the sun...!
What a super tribute!
Off to buy a few kilos of prunes in order to celebrate it properly.

Mark said...

I like the briefcase bog - all government ministers should have one in which to keep their bullshit.

M

John Gray said...

well I absolutely LOVED this blog entry

i LOVE MY TOILET.....lots of nice reading matter ( film mags, hello ,film reference books,poultry monthly....matt cardle's life story (whooorrrrr!))
a workable radiator
and a comfortable seat.....
what else does a girl need eh?

take care phil
johnx

Phil said...

Hi Fly – Couldn’t resist that. Soon as I saw it I laughed out loud, yanked it into Photoshop and very happily played around with it for a while. Had to be done. It had your name all over it right from the start. I think you should get some of the local canoe builders to put one together for you out there, but with a bigger veranda out back so you can watch out over your new ranch stead while you scoff back piles of prunes.

Phil said...

Mark: Would never work for them. A mere briefcase is way to small for all their bullshit. It would probably explode all over some poor unwitting voter or underpaid PA. A nice big fat expandable suitcase on wheels might be more fitting. For some of it.

John Boy: Me too. I’m a prolific reader of newspapers, mags and supplements in my private boglette. Sometimes I can’t even get past the door because of all the clutter of papers that have piled up on the floor. Some years ago I spent time pasting out a concept for a ‘Designer Bog Den’ business, for homeowners that wanted that ‘something special’ experience from their WC’s. The Japanese are already market leaders in the high tech, bespoke toilet industry, and have been so for years.

The Sagittarian said...

Ah dear Phil, thank you from the heart of my bottom for such a touching tribute to me and my poo. It's wee things like that, that can make ones day. I laughed over all those other bogs you have shown here, makes me think I wasn't thinking outta the square enough but at the time we had to make do with what we had. I still have to creep down the road each day to dump the contents into a tank which is conveniently outside 3 doors down.If you're planning a tour down under here your first wee is free! :-)

Steve said...

Is the Turdis bigger on the inside than on the outside? Can I go back in time and revisit a poo I did last year? If I pilot a particularly amazing poo can I assume the moniker of Dr Poo? Does it come with an optional Pond or must I make my own? So many questions!

Phil said...

The Sagittarian: What a wonderful selection of poo puns. I’m all steamed up. I’ll have to call you ‘Winnie’ in future. Re your: “…but at the time we had to make do with what we had.” Yes, I think I can empathise with you, having to slum it with nothing more than a tatty old ‘Tardis’ lying around at the bottom of your garden, I mean…other people always seem to get all the luck with their long drop material in times of crisis and disaster. Night time ‘run’s’ to the Daddy Dunny 3 doors down – Hmmm, won’t go there then.

If I ever manage to ride my donkey east of the Alps and venture into the great South Seas, I’ll be sure to claim my first free wee. Thank you. We all just hope that beyond the damaged yet seemingly stoic façade, you are not suffering unduly right now. It’s been no laughing matter for you all, and is clearly going to persist in testing your wits for some time to come Amanda. We can only wish you the very best for things to come in the days and weeks ahead of you all. We think of you very day.

Phil said...

Steve: 1) Yes Steve - It is 2) Yess Steve, whatever floats your Turdis, of course you can. 3) Yessss Steve, whatever mate, anything you like…Dr Poo, Pilot Poo, Potty Pilot Poo, Poop The Almighty Poo, or just plain bluddy Poochy Poo!…you can assume what ever monikers that do it for you and your poo. 4) CHRIST ALMIGHTY STEPHEN !! “Optional Ponds?!!”, How the hell would I know, I mean who do you think I am?...Norman Bluddy Foster, Baron of Thames Bank? It’s a ‘Turdis’, A Long Drop Outside Toilet Stephen, A Dunny, A Pissoir, A Kamibluddy Khazi !! IT’S JUST A CRAPHOLE IN THE SNOW!!! So…YeSSSSSSSSS STEVE – It comes with a pond, a square lake, a view of the Tasman Bluddy Sea if you like, just do me a favour and don’t ask me any more naff stupid questions…OKAY!!!!

Phewww.

Some people eh? They’re so full of crap aren’t they.



Geeeeeeezus Allright!… Own up!! …Who did that?! … Who the hell just farted ?!! Which one of you complete-and-utter …Arseholes! Just farted in my blog ?!!!!

Eeeeeeuwe… god that’s really horrid too. Eeeeeeeeeeeeuwwe..

Sniff Sniff Sniff Hmmmm… think that might have been one of mine actually.


Oooops.

Valerie said...

Crikey, Phil - I feel like I have to learn a whole new language here. What in Sam Hill is a "long drop?" So I referred to Urban dictionary:

"long drop toilet shitter loo khazi outhouse poo bog
1. long drop
Australian slang for toilet. Usually a large hole dug in the ground with a board over the top acting as the toilet seat. Hence the long drop to the bottom of the hole.

commonly seen at truck and roadside rest areas. Though these days they are quite well made and sanitary.
"Mate I am hanging for a nard, wheres the long drop?"
toilet loo shitter bog khazi" (UrbanDictionary.com) - where you can also buy long drop mugs, tshirts and magnets, by the way.

I feel I've been properly educated now.

And being that most of my clothes are still drying between my own loo and neighbor boy's kitchen/bedroom 30 square meter studio, I feel like you & I are spending the day together all over each other's blogs. It's either this or put on yoga pants & flip flops and cruise to the wine bar and make like I really understand what I'm reading in this Fabio Volo novel (speaking of learning new languages).

Nathalie said...

The first set of photos as well as the "holy water-holy shit" one made my day. I won't comment on Sarkozy's own - all too true.

Apart from the big laugh I had, may I mention that "pissoir" is rarely used nowadays, to the point that I even thought the word didn't exist? It actually appears in my dictionary but with the mention "disused".

"Pissotière" or "urinoir" are far more common.
Anyway, thanks for the great collection.

Phil said...

Valerie: Buongiorno! – and who the longdrop is Sam Hill when he’s at home? There see, you are living proof that this blog is, after all, a welcome and engaging oasis for travelling intellectuals and adventurers seeking to drink from its deep well of toiletry culture and other esoteric colloquialisms.

As you wash your hands and thence vacate this bathroom in the Bloggasphere to venture on once again to blogs afar, you will feel emboldened by the vast depth of knowledge and facts you have acquired during your brief but satisfying squat in this bog blog of notes.

Okay…you well and truly got me again with this one ”Mate, I’m hanging for a nard, where’s the long drop?” One was very amused with this one, one can assure one. Nard?! Had to look that one up. Hmmph.

Mugs, T-shirts and……Magnets? !!! My brains just spazzed out. Do you mean ‘Long Drop Magnets?!’ That’s one that’ll cling on to me for the rest of the day.

“Why-would-one-want-a-long-drop-magnet---then?” Hmmm. “And-who-the-blind-old-riley-came-up-with-the-idea-of-a-long-drop-magnet ??” My brain’s creaking and groaning already.

Go on then…flip flop off in your yoghurt pants - e buona giornata Valerie.

Phil said...

Nathalie: Bonjour et bonjour à vous, là-bas à Avignon ! Hope its still as sunny as ever down there today.

Those first two pics are funny aren’t they. When I first spotted them I have to admit I didn’t ’get it’ straight away. Then the penny finally dropped…with a small splash.

I promise I won’t phone the ‘DCRI’ if you comment about Sarkozy’s personal pissotierre in future.

Take a quick leak at these links. Made me chuckle :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs0lez8-V4g&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrreYCLhAKY&feature=related

Thanks so much for bringing me bang up to date with the modern spelling for ‘Pissoir’ Nathalie. I had a good laugh at the thought of you reaching for your dictionary to check that one out too !

Our use of the word ‘Pissoir’ mostly derives from the central theme of a book and an English TV series back in 1972 called ‘Clochemerle’ – which was all about the attempts of a French rural town to errect a public urinal in the town square.

I might well adopt the word ‘Urinoir’ more often. To us Brits it has a certain kind of éloquent ring to it…a keener sense of style and panache – unlike the word ‘bog’ !

Many many congratulations on achieving your 1000th blog post again by the way !

Your photography work is fascinating and inspiring. Bravo to you Nathalie.

John Gray said...

more blogs please philip!
need an update

the fly in the web said...

Pissoir was still in current use in my neck of the woods....so that's pretty recent visibility.

The other word in vogue was 'les chiottes'.
Self explanatory if you say it aloud.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Wonderful stuff. From the man who tried to dry his hands up the contraceptive machine.

The Sagittarian said...

eer, you haven't gone and fallen down a long drop have you? Hope all is well in your world. Cheers.

Phil said...

And a much belated 'ta' for your comments from you four above. Yes, you four. I've not been in here for a while. Fell off my blogging trail into a deep ravine back in March. Taken a while to climb back out again. Let me catch my breath and I'll try to glue some sort of update utterance uphere in the very near future. Not that this news will send you a running outside to 'ring the bells' in the village church in various states of undress and gay abandonment by the way - i'm just having a self indulgent play again inside my own blog box here. Getting my hand back in again while i dust all the cobwebs off. Eeeeeeuwe, look at the size of that nasty big spider over there and...Eeeeeeeeeeuwe, who left that half eaten rat in the corner, thanks very much for keeping my blog clean and tidy while I've been away then. Not.

Okay, I give in...I'll do the washing up then. Again!

Where's the light switch?

Oooops...there it is. Forgotted.

The Sagittarian said...

Aw, hope that you got the rats and cobwebs sorted, they can be beastly annoying if you let them. Take care. Cheers from Shake City.

Siddhartha Joshi said...

This is so damn good, your research is thorough :) And am still laughing aloud :) :) :)

EmmaK said...

A bit of advice if you are in London don't pee in one of those automatic toilets on the street -they often malfunction. I once pissed in one and the door flew open and a bunch of Japanese tourists stared at me. They probably took photos!

Also don't get caught short in Harrods I think it costs a pound to use the loo - not sure if for this you get someone to wipe your arse or what

Just realised you are from London so know all this but maybe your readers will learn from it - actually are those automatic loos even in london anymore I've been in USA for 11 years?

Phil said...

Saj: Still trying to get into those corners up here. Talk about slow progress. Every time I brush one away, I turn around and there's another five appeared from nowhere. Shake City - We've just had a weather warning up here - the prospect of light rain and showers has been threatened for tomorrow. Governments advising people to 'stay at home'.

Phil said...

Hello again Siddhartha – good to see you. Glad you enjoyed our bit of pranking around with the latrines here. Toilet humour never fails to make us flush and giggle does it? That and breathing oxygen are one of the few basic natural functions we all genuinely share in common as a species. Whether we like it or not, the only product we humanoinks have evolved to manufacture positively together in great natural abundance after all these millions of years with great and consistent efficiency, is organic matter.

So in spite of all our differences in creed, colour, faiths, beliefs, ideals, politics, and yadda yadda yadda… we are never the less universally united by all the crap we make together. That’s a colourful paradox for the state and existence of the human race and our civil progress at large.

And now that we are beginning to develop efficient ways to re-cycle our own organic waste matter into renewable biomethane gas to be used to heat our homes and fuel our gas cookers in the future, we may yet wake up one day to read a ‘happy headline’ in the newspapers that reads something like – “Top Kosher Food Restaurant in Jerusalem awarded Michelin Star for food cooked on recycled biomethane gas piped in from Ramallah City in the West Bank”. Let’s hope so anyway.

Thanks for joining the happy throng here Siddhartha, and I’ll try to do a more regular job of posting new blogs in future. Good luck with the books too.

Phil said...

Hello Emma K – and a big warm welcome to my Bloggette here.

Laughed out loud at your comment re: “…if you are in London don't pee in one of those automatic toilets on the street -they often malfunction. I once pissed in one and the door flew open and a bunch of Japanese tourists stared at me. They probably took photos!”

Yeahh I bet they did Emma (he says still laughing a bit too derisively) cos they weren’t Japanese tourists Emma…that was the minimalist entrance to the newly built Japanese Embassy…Doh!...and ‘yes’ Emma, they most certainly did take a lot of pictures of you. Many of which gave you a lot of free exposure on Yousoytube. Japanese Intelligence have an open file on your ‘case’ which says “Hoo yoo know hoo liss bum beyong to?”

So if you ever come back to London…wear trousers and a long coat and you’ll be fine. Just don’t start kicking off if some sharp eyed Japanese bloke starts scrutinising your bum a little too close for comfort cos there’s a rumour circulating that the Japs have installed X-ray security cameras in the vicinity now. (!) So you might even want to consider wearing a false rubber ‘meat and two veg’ mans underwear disguise kit as a back up ploy – if you get my meaning. That will get the concealed camera operators scratching their heads all night.

Perhaps in hind sight now, paying the quid to use the services of the first class toilettes in Harrods is a good plan for you in future. And ‘no’ they won’t wipe your sweet derriere for a mere pound coin anymore. Inflation see. But don’t worry, they offer an extensive range of luxury wash and brush up services for all ‘American Express’ card holders. Including a full beard, wash, cut, shampoo, trim and blow-dry. You need to book that one very early though cos there’s normally a fairly long queue. Strange that they don’t offer the same services in the ‘gents’ loo though. Pervy Arab Harrods thing I guess.

Actually I’ve no idea if those ‘Autoilettes’ still exist anymore, as I normally avoid London like the plague. Takes me about two and half hours to drive right into the centre of the city from where I live on the Hampshire coast – whereas it takes only 45 minutes to fly to Paris or two hours to fly to either Nice, Avignon or Barcelona from our local airports in Southampton & Bournemouth. Unless ‘Her Majesty’ personally texts me and ‘insists’ I come up for a Barbeque, then for us it’s a bit of a no brainer really. Couple of years ago in December in Barcelona for the early Christmas festivities it was registering 17 degrees ‘C’ on the street thermometers at 9.00pm in the evening. Bliss for us Brits.

Thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to comment, and I’m glad you’ve caught me on the re-bound as I’ve been away from my blog here for a little while of late. I will be pole vaulting across the pond to take a look at your own ‘blogdom’ later and thus say something that will probably get me into mild trouble with somebody or other. In the meanwhile… “Have a nice day” and come back whenever you can.

EmmaK said...

Hi Phil
Thanks so much for voting for me. The sweetie will be given to you in good time. In the meantime I have tagged you on my blog to tell me what you are worth! xx

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