‘The Turdis’ that came ‘turd’ at the Bog-Oscars.

The only time the real truth and nothing but the truth - truly comes out is when a man is
'Pointing his percy at the porcelain'

This time around, the whole notion for the ‘toilet humour’ theme and content of this post was born out of commenter’s material I read yesterday on a blog I follow down in Christchurch, New Zealand called - http://morecanterburytales.blogspot.com/ and hosted by its lady author “The Sagittarian”.

As we now know, the city of Christchurch in the large east coast region of ‘Canterbury’ on South Island, was devastated by an appalling earthquake on 22nd February and subsequently, between 163 and 220 people tragically lost their lives.

Very fortunately, ‘Saj’ managed to escape injury from her heavily damaged office building, even though an adjacent building collapsed into its stairwell, and she eventually made it back home to find her two daughters mercifully safe but shaken, sitting out front of their severely damaged Christchurch home.

One of the great many serious and immediate challenges to be overcome by the wider population of Christchurch at large, was the disruption to the city water supplies and the major damage that had been caused to the network of sewage pumping stations throughout the city. But of course, when you’ve really got to go, you’ve really ‘got to go’, as the true but hackneyed old saying ‘goes’.

In spite of the fact that many of the low lying residential areas were now covered in a sea of ghastly grey sludge several inches deep, the local government gave out instructions for people to start digging holes in their gardens to act as temporary toilet pits until the water supplies and sewage pumping systems could be repaired back to full service again.

New Zealander's call these outdoor toilet pits ‘Long Drops’.

A bog with an even bigger hole in it - A bog on a bog - And a Lemming's 'last piss take' bog .

Faced with a set of sensitive needs and wants that well exceed the mere painfully obvious, the home grown DIY Long Drop architect must take into account a sizable number of bespoke design features and provisions to ensure that all visiting long droppers, of either gender, are able to happily endure as well as safely indulge in the very private business of external toiletry ablutions, in an environment of comfort and ergonomics that best befits their wider social tastes, cultural lifestyles and of course - personal privacy's.

Not an easy task this. Least of all when as a family you are collectively trying to secure an area within the dangerously wrecked remains of your property, that will provide you all with hopefully an acceptable level of safety and protection from the elements, especially while you and your children are asleep at night and you are constantly experiencing the sometimes terrifying aftershocks and tremors that you know could bring the already weakened remains of your property crashing down upon you in an instant, with potentially catastrophic and deadly results. No laughing matter.

A bog for a 'loose' but busy bogger - A cat that saw you nekid on the 'long drop' - And a pic of a wise dog bog..

However, in times of great hardship and difficulty, the more determined and resilient aspects of the human spirit along with a healthily colourful sense of humour, and our natural will to survive, have often inspired us to step up to the stage and face our adversaries with some often quite unexpected examples of creative ingenuity and originality.

As an intelligent society we have a vast capacity for inventiveness, most especially when we are on the back foot. Necessity being the mother ‘nature’ of all invention on this occasion, here is yet another fine display of our proud and distinguished record of adapting and improvising in order to stay comfortably afloat in a crisis.

Talking of floaters…

Following the quake in Christchurch, Canterbury – an enterprising individual constructed a website called: http://www.showusyourlongdrop.co.nz, specifically to showcase the myriad of photo images that had begun to surface of all the new and varied ‘long drop’ dumping dens in Cantabrian gardens and back yards. What started out as a bit of moral boosting – “my long drops better than yours” - toilet humour, quickly gathered a pace and a momentum that caught the eye of the National Press, as well as a few regional commercial sponsors.

The net result of the unbridled growth of this brand new Kiwi Internet phenomenon were two competitions – One: ‘The Public Vote Award’, and Two: The Press Vote Award. In other words…the very first Province of Canterbury, New Zealand - ’Bog Oscars’.

A clever promotion bog - A heffalump on a bog - And a time saving customer convenience bar bog.

Held just recently under streams of soft toilet tissue and amidst much banter and stinky toilet wit – the first ever ‘Long Drop Bog Oscars’ took place.

Dress code for the event was stipulated as ‘Briefs, Y-fronts, Panties, Winter thongs and Thermal underwear, absolutely must be worn, in the anatomical place and manner in which they were so intended. Although pyjama trousers, shorts and jeans should be worn at half mast and all those choosing to wear T-shirts, dresses, skirts or full length gowns should raise them to the fully hitched position when they step up to receive their awards from the golden carpet. Or as I say at home..."Bomb Bay Doors Open".

Well it now seems that we have a bit of a shy and modest ‘Kiwi’ celebrity in our bloggy midst. It’s clearly apparent now that our ‘Sagittarian Saj’ has been hiding her little bushel in a…well it’s a kind of flying phone box really, over these last few weeks and I think maybe she’s feeling an incy wincy bit flushed, because a discreetly posted email link has revealed that our ‘Saj’ has just picked up two of the ‘Bog Oscars’ gongs in person.

So…in the Public Vote category, in ‘Turd Place’ - to coin a very Irish phrase – for her part as best supporting actress in her first starring role – goes to “The Sagittarian and The Turdis” – the inspiration for which arose from her lifelong love of the ‘Dr Who’ TV series, and has now been contrived into both shrine and long drop reading room, having landed permanently down the bottom of her garden.

'The Turdis'

And..in The Press Vote category, ’Number Ones Place’ also goes to…”The Sagittarian And The Turdis”. Plus a prize of a full year’s supply of bog rolls. And here’s the living proof: 

http://www.showusyourlongdrop.co.nz/long-drops/the-turdis/

Well Woopy Doopy Doo to you Saj girl and our hearty congratulations and best wishes for a long drop well dug. Definitely one that will go down in the anals of your family history, and I make absolutely no apology what so ever for ‘pulling your chain’ here ! So hey ho and there you go oh newly crowned Queen of the Turdis – sit on that and read till your good and dun why don’t you.

An it's no dunny good tryin to hide behind the paper cos we all know who it is!!                  Ho Hum.

And so where ever you are and what ever you're doing right now 'Saj', we're all damn jolly glad that you and your family and friends managed to scrape through this living nightmare without physical injury, even though you have experienced such devastation to your home. 

From those who don't yet know you, but will now hopefully take the time to click on these links and come say Hi! to you all down there, and from me and the rest who have already traded humour with you on your 'spirited blog', we all wish you as painless and speedy as possible a return to normal life and a safely re-built family home again. xx

And...just when you thought you were 'dunny dun dun' so as to speak - after "The Turdis", here are my personal favourite couple of examples of the perfect 'Pissoir' as they say in France, when referring to fully detached out of doors toilette's. So whether you have to squeeze yours out in a 'dunny' a 'long drop' a 'pissoir' or a 'khazi'...here's some more I prepared earlier:

Sarkozy's personal pissoir.

And as a chuckle and a tribute to a fellow blogga,
here's another one I prepared earlier:

"Fly's Antithesis 'Pissoir'
 to his frogs-croakworth above this one "



   And for all of you out there who are already fully familiar with the highly amusing, acerbic witticism's within 'Mme Fly's extremely well informed blog about the countless vagaries and often farcical activities within the French local and central government political system - you will relate to the above contrivance of her personal 'pissoir' of preference more than most.

Here then too, are the links to both her highly entertaining and informative blogs:

http://real-france.blogspot.com/         and        http://costa-rica-calling.blogspot.com/

And finally - another selection of toilet craptivity image stuff you can find around the bogs on the web...

Ooooh! Very Very Scary Wary... Long Drops !!

The ultimate designer cure for constipated wannabe dumpsters this one.

You won't need turbo laxatives, just feel your way into this one with a blindfold on, sit down, hold on tight, 'whip the blindfold off' and... Bingo!!
"You've just successfully crapped yourself"

 Congratulations!

*Now go wash your hands...*




The Ultimate 'Bucking Bronco Bog'
Hmmm?!

 

And I've just gotta get me one of these. Just can't wait to see the expression
on the face of the customs guy at the airport when he opens this one up.

'A Bog in a Briefcase' - Perfect.

Okay...I've had enough so you can all 'pissoir off' now, and try doing something useful and productive with your day...Nitey Nitey Nite Nite and hope the dunny bugs don't bite..