Sunday, 5 June 2011

And so it's goodbye to the 'Dismal O'clock News' & Hello! to the 'New Age Hippy Happy News' - or is it?

Image courtesy of: http://himbeerkuss.deviantart.com/art/happy-hippie-93569020 

Okay, so I know I haven’t been blogging much inside here over the last few months – more ‘scarper’ than ‘blogit’ I’m afraid. Although I have been indulging myself ‘comment wise’ on the many other funny and diverse blogs I like to parachute into from week to week, as well as responding in kind to all of your own comment submissions on this very blog here. Thank you one and all again by the way.

Now then...before you start reading this lot...and as a special favour to me...scroll on down for a sec...and press the 'play' button on the Jimmy Hendrix music video. It's only about 30 centimeters down below... then scroll back up here and carry on reading. Ta - EvaSo...  

So…what’s been happening down here on planet earth these past couple of months then? Anything of great importance and significance in the greater scheme of things?

I mean, apart from ‘The Arab Spring’ uprisings - Will & Caths darin great escape in his old mans Aston Martin down 'The Mall' - The new sister-in-law who came in from 'way-hey!' behind and nearly stole the whole damn show - Elizabeth Taylor plays out her final scene and sadly passes away - Elizabeth Windsor parties in yellow in Dublin - Barack Obama gets all wubbery lipped on the black stuff in Dublin a week later (what if him and Lizbeth had met up in the same bar together?.. imagine.."A pint of your best Guinness for myself and a Daiquiri for the dear and lovely Lady smiling next to me please good Paddy sir, and (in a hushed Chicago tone now) you can stick it on her tab if you don't mind my good bloke, and her Greeky husband over there can sing for his dang gin for all I care." - Super Injunctions become the new ‘coolest things to have’ amongst the elite of the glitterati - Osama Has-Bin Laden becomes skank shark bait in the Arabian Sea - Thirty seven and a half dead sharks reported floating on surface of Arabian Sea the very next day...acute lead poisoning suspected as cause of deaths - Naked boss of our planets biggest monetary fund accidentally sprawls headlong over hotel chamber maid while she’s stripping the bed in NY – Twice divorced Kerry Katona, 30, says of her break up with boyfriend Dan after a full eight weeks, "I had a good cry, rejection is a horrible thing. I honestly believe that I will be a lonely old lady stinking of cat wee with 17 cats and that I'll never find anybody." - Katie Price gets up before the crack of noon for the very first time, catching paparazzi fast asleep in nearby hedges – Ex Mr Universe Austrian Governor of California admits to conceiving love/shag child in same week as his other real son - Bloke who runs Italy charged with paying for sex with a 17 year old - Bloke who runs FIFA and the ‘not so beautiful’ game allowed to continue doing whatever he promises he never did during his last three terms – ‘honest’ – for another four years till he’s eighty - Julian Assange wins the Martha Gellhorn prize for journalism and an assortment of nice chocolates and thank you cards from the worlds wealthiest newspaper moguls and…

Well excuse me while I nearly yawn myself to death for a moment here. But then hang on one more moment Phil bloke…don’t crawl off back into your coma just yet fella, cos it looks like some pretty 'cowgirl' with an original sense of humour has just ridden into town and thrown her hat to the saloon bar floor with this piece of positively new breaking news:-

“The vivacious now ex BBC news presenter: Natasha Ka Ka Kaplinsky (shouldn’t have gone to Specsavers though)(English joke by the way)..admits she’s totally stupefied and cannot possibly justify her new £1million a year salary from her brand new employer over at ‘Five News’ because she’s only a “reasonably serious journalist”, and she’s a bit concerned that the programmes producers have asked her to wear jeans in their attempts to “lift the spirits of its audience” in future.”   


(Rrrrrrrrrrring Rrring - Rrring Rrring - Oooh...that was quick!...Erm..."Hello.. Mrs Kaminted-an morally challenged-nowski. If you want... I'll happily help you offload a few of your latent Wonga zero's to ease your conscience Tashiski. My A/c details will very quickly follow. Believe me-ski!... my little favouritest, most gorgeousest, bright and telligentest newski reader on the tellyski.... honestski!!


‘Kaplinsky’s Karma News’ – to be idiomatically crass for a moment perhaps?

And to quote ‘The Telegraph’ on this one from just a few days ago:
“It emerged last week that Five's new bulletin, which starts on Monday, will attempt to lift the spirits of its audience by presenting "positive" stories to viewers. Chris Shaw, the channel's head of news, said he wanted to make the news "less dismal" after research suggested that viewers were turned off by a constant stream of depressing stories.”


So it’s going to be a whole new era of ‘Nice News TV’ then. Natasha Kaplinsky’s ‘Not The So Dismal O’clock News’…and in jeans to boot. And for a million squids a year, our Natasha gets to sponsor the beleaguered British tax payer with a personal donation of half a million of those same squids a year, right back into the starved and hungry coffers of our much beloved Inland Revenue.

Which in turn means that in a mere 40,000 years time, poor old Natasha Kaplinski would have single handedly ‘News’d’ us all up to the tune of…tap tap tap tap tap….£20 billion squideroonies!! Bingo! That’s pretty much what this island nation had to cough up to bail out RBS a few years back after Fred the Shred Goodwin ejected himself out of the pilots seat on his way to the scene of the crash, with a six figure a year pension, and kindly left us all to clean up the wreckage for him.


"...and I'll find you Fred, believe me...one day...I'll find you.."

Well Woopy Doopy Doo! And thanks Natasha! What a brilliant idea. Hippy Happy Tax Efficient News. Who ever would have thought of that?? No more nasty violence, murders, untimely deaths, road carnage, natural disasters, disease pandemics, jobless figures, company collapses, strikes, protests, riots, political debates, politicians, sex lives of politicians, politicians expenses enquiries, bankers bonus awards, bankers golden handshakes for imploding the very banks that hired them, city trader bonuses, terrorist births, terrorist deaths, terrorist sightings, terrorists of the week, terrorist bombings, terrorist threats, banal billionaire lifestyle features, what confused Kerry Katona while she sat on the new ex's loo - omnibus, Victoria Beckham’s daily designer handbag purchase updates, hourly economic downturn updates, natural resources’ running out faster than expected forecasts, fresh food you definitely shouldn’t risk eating anymore megga lists, food you might be safe to eat this week but probably not next week forecast lists, hopelessly confused 'rapture date' rescheduling circulars, England just scrape a draw against Cuckoo Clock Land at Wem-ber-leee footie results…and ‘Andy Murray’s been knocked out of the final again’ headlines…



So…what’s this ‘Not So Dismal O’clock News’ actually going to revive all our jaded spirits with and get us all swinging together again in a universally united blissful euphoria of revisionary 60’s style peace, love and rock-n-roll ???


A daily roster list perhaps, of all the legions of genuine hardworking, unsung hearts of gold, fully qualified and hugely underpaid social care workers who silently patrol the streets and homes of the elderly and physically needy each and every day come rain, snow or shine to ensure them a quality of life, cleanliness and dignity that at least meets the bare minimum levels of acceptable human rights and existence, perhaps?

No. Okay, how about some regular feature reports, publicly recognising all the other 'unpaid' community volunteers who give up most of their time in quiet personal devotion to helping out those who cannot fully take care of themselves, or of whom our wider society is simply too busy to spare a thought to for much of the time, perhaps?

No. Okay. Well how about this bit of positively, fantastically, ground breakingly, heart warming news for an uplifting news headline then:
 
Reproduced by kind permission ofThe Good News Network.com

Thursday, June 02, 2011
Disposable Diapers. They’re one of the biggest contributors to overflowing landfill sites piling up at a rate of 1 ton of trash per kid per year. And the worst part is that not a single disposable diaper ever made has yet decomposed. It is estimated that disposable diapers take 500 years to break down, which means the very first disposable diaper created 40 years ago is still sitting in the dump, holding court with all the other species that have since joined it. But now, a scientist named Alethia Vázquez-Morillas from the Autonomous Metropolitan University in Mexico City has found a way to turn that 500-year span to a mere 4 months, by using oyster mushrooms to accelerate the breakdown. How?
Oyster mushrooms break down cellulose, which allows them to feed on decaying trees. This same substance makes up the bulk of disposable diapers, so putting the two together results in 90% decomposition of the diapers in just 2 months, with full results in 4. Oyster mushrooms can’t solve the problem of human waste being added to landfills that aren’t designed to hold it or filter out chemicals like SAP & Doxin, but these industrious mushrooms hold the promise of at least removing the bulk of diaper waste from landfills that need a break.


Ahhhh…poor old worn out landfill sites. Whatever have we been doing to you these last four decades? Lets see if we can make it all better for you then and all start growing bio-degrading, homicidal, magic mushroom, diaper killers then, right alongside the strings of daisy chains we’re all going to be cultivating to adorn our new retro hippy happy hairstyles.

And here is a short video of the CEO and anchor woman of ‘The Good News Network’ introducing her special brand of ‘Happy News’ to the world at large, from her studio out back in the garden...


Now…having been enthralled by her wonderfully uplifting and eloquent promotion here. Do you think she’s perhaps just a little bit too happy, as in ‘hippy happy’ on a few too many swigs of the old hippy happy dandelion juice? Nice to know they’re in their 14th year of spreading the ‘happy news’ message to us all too. How sweet.


Fact is – Good News Travels Fast...Bad News Travels Faster...and infinitely further.

Trouble is, we really do exist in a multi tonal society, and shit really does travel uphill, so we can’t survive in the real world by being selective and just picking out the nice red sweets from the bag all the time. It just doesn’t work long term. Denial is a harmful form of ignorance, and ignorance is not at all that blissful for very long in actuality. In fact amongst other things, ignorance makes us vulnerably weak and thus prey to the threats of harmful corruption from those predators who will always swoop down to seek advantage and control from the darker recesses of this rock we all perch on and, and…yadda yadda yadda yadda.

Back to - "Back in the day" ?
Well this is not exactly news either is it? I mean we already know all this don’t we? Fact remains that we ‘do’ live in a mostly tough, cruel and unjust world which all too regularly in this modern techno age of instant global news communication systems, platforms, apps, gadgets and endless other devices...batters the very life and soul out of a growing too many of us, till we no longer know how, whether or when, to either laugh or cry in sensible portions without resorting to Google first for an update.
(take deep breath)

And so to hell with the dismal o’clock news and the new age hippy happy news, and lets just fast forward to ‘the laughter’ part… if for no other reason than we still can - when others far less fortunate than ourselves...cannot.

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."  ~Victor Borge

We’re just not kicking back and deep down belly laughing like we used to. We’re not making the time or the effort to grab hands together and ‘let it all go’ with an unrestrained apoplexy of unabashed tear streaming, face contorting, milk running out of nose, carefree abandonment of our usual social cool and deportment for a few minutes. Cos we’re not making the time to chew down our laughter beans anymore – and tension levels are fast approaching the red line and melt down. A crisis of laughter gluts looms then.

So just as any essentially sustaining, nutritious diet must contain a mix of carbs, proteins, fats, salts and fibres, then so should the heart and soul of our emotional health and well being, be safely balanced and maintained with regular doses of laughter vitamins as well. Even if we now admit to needing a bit of help in down loading them.

Here’s one of my all time favourite quotes - “Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense”.   Doesn't that just make you want to smile??


Now...if you relate to the above phrase, and you live on the 'thong' side of the gender fence...try chucking a couple of pairs of hubbies old work boots into the wash n dryer, and some cushions on the floor. Climb aboard carefully, set it to medium wobble spin and read the above quote out loud, six times slow - or fast. 


An then.. do it all over again...an again...an again.... till you slide off to the floor, land on all fours...and can't stop crying out loud with tears and screeches of unabated laughter. 


Now go make that crap but important call you've been putting off from making for wayyy too long... then when dun...skip on back to the wash dry device, grab-a-glass of something nice & alchy, and set it on to 'all day spin and crease dry mode'...an have a 'so' much betterer afternoon.    (he  heeeee... !!)  Just remember to lock the front and back doors, in case 'Mother' pops round with some nice cabbages from her garden.

The Old Corn Flake Himself.
John Harvey Kellogg.


Could have been a quip straight from the lips of the real John Harvey Kellogg himself back in the days of the ‘Battle Creek Sanitarium’ in Michigan in the late 1900’s where he practiced the pioneering science of holistic well being in mind and body, by way of diet, physical exercise, sexual restraint and use of powerful laxatives? (!)
 Quite an explosive mix for one of the co founders of the Kellogg’s cornflakes corporation. Here’s a short clip from the opening scene of a masterfully creative and bizarrely entertaining  film called ‘The Road to Wellville’ which depicted the life of J H Kellogg as played by Anthony Hopkins: Feel free to chuckle if you want to…


According to Sigmund Freud - "A general theory that explains laughter is called the ‘relief theory’, summarised in his subsequent theory that laughter releases tension and "psychic energy". “This theory is one of the justifications of the beliefs that laughter is beneficial for one's health. This theory explains why laughter can be used as a coping mechanism when one is upset, angry or sad.Says The Sig.

That being the scientifically acknowledged case will give much deserved credence then to the steadily rising growth of ‘Yoga Laughter Clubs’ now springing up around our planet, as depicted by one of our very own ‘Masters of Laughter’ – Mr John Cleese-Python himself in this highly infectious video reportage of the origins of the ‘Yoga Laughter Culture Club’ in India:


And if having watched the above video from start to finish you still didn't experience even the smallest temptation to chuckle a bit here and there – you should really go get your pulse checked out by an expert. Poste-Haste.

Another quote worth taking note of is this one by Alan AldaWhen people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other

How true. I read a fascinating true story once about an extraordinary incident which occurred in the rebel held mountain wilderness of Yemen back in the 70’s. Three seasoned SAS soldiers were holed up together for some ten days or so manning a remote outpost together in a small sandbagged dugout, deep inside hostile territory known to be held by tough enemy Yemeni rebel soldiers.

One day, without warning, their tiny outpost - little more than a wide hole in the ground - came under an intense and vicious attack from mortar shells and machine gun fire from the nearby surrounding hills. During the fearsome and gruelling firefight between the attacking rebels and the three soldiers defending the outpost, a mortar shell exploded bang smack inside the open dugout, which was barely more than 15 feet in diameter, instantly blowing to tiny pieces one of the three men, but quite incredibly leaving the other two soldiers virtually unscathed, other than shocked, deafened and completely covered in the shredded remains of their now tragically ‘ex’ good friend – & totally naked to boot as a result of the effects of the mortar shell blast.

The author described how he and his co survivor just sat there staring around their small destroyed dugout trying to figure out where on earth ‘Pete’ had disappeared to, as well as why they were both now completely stark bollock naked and covered in so much blood and gore. “Then”, he said, “The penny dropped for both of us at precisely the same moment, and as we stared at each other, we just erupted into huge howls of completely manic and uncontrollable laughter together – rolling around in the dirt, clutching our sides in a grotesque and insane display of tension relief by way of spontaneous hysterical laughter and similar undiluted screechings. All of which was being witnessed by a growingly surprised, bemused and quite incredulous band of onlooking rebel fighters concealed amongst the rocks and hills nearby.

While the two soldiers were busy reeling around in their deranged still maniacally laughing state together, their now bewildered Arab attackers slowly began standing up out of their hitherto hiding places, staring inquisitively whilst shaking their heads at the sight of these two completely detached and clearly quite loopy loo, naked British soldiers in the gore splattered remains of the dug out before them – thence to simply shrug, shoulder their weapons, and slope off disconsolately back from whence ever they’d come from a short while earlier. Crazy Mad Bloody English Soldiers.

The author/SAS soldier goes onto argue that had it not been for their spontaneous reaction in explosive laughter together, they would probably have both been over run and killed by their far superior numbered adversaries – and that anyway, neither of them once suffered from emotional problems in later life as a result of their horrific shared experience together. He further explains that they were both genuinely delighted that poor old ex ‘Pete’ had taken a direct hit by the shell and would thus have felt absolutely nothing at all as a result of this most directest of hits. A soldiers perfect death wish scenario then. In the most efficient & painless of ways. When you’re picked out to go, that’s the way you really want to 'go' - period. It's the ultimate soldiers lottery win of ‘snuff me out nice-n-quickly please very much’ ticket. No point in crying about it. Job well done bloke. We'll all chip in and pay your mess bills. Laugh yourself stupid while you still can & 'Move on' - to what ever comes next?'...

This final laughter music video King Classic of all time infectious, feel good, just can't help yourself chuckle and laugh classics, is dedicated to selfless missing in action soldier ‘Pete’ then. It’s somehow fitting that both ‘Pete’ and the legendary ‘Charles Jolly-Penrose’ the music hall entertainer who wrote and performed the original ‘Laughing Policeman’ song back in 1922 – should deservedly get ‘The Last Laugh’ video slot on this post…I dare you not to!..  



Oh…and the study of humor and laughter, and its psychological and physiological effects on the human body, is called ‘gelotology’ by the way.
Gelotology! Now come on, own up…which little wobbly blamange out there dreamt that one up?

Now you can all bugger off back home to your own blogs and practice your Yoga Laughter Techniques.

And if you cant beat them - Laugh out loud at them!!


HA HA HA HA HA!


8 comments:

Mark said...

Ok, so you've made up for your long absence. Where do I start to comment on all this? It's all to much - a bit like Kaplinsky on Channel 5; to much to even think about.

Steve said...

So much food for thought. What I can't get past is Kaplinsky being asked to wear jeans. Just jeans? I mean, is that the sole item of clothing that she's being made to wear? If it's true I can feel my spirit in the fly being raised already.

the fly in the web said...

That certainly lifted a gloomy Sunday...even if I forgot to alter the sound levels after listening to Test Match Special with the result that Jimi Hendrix sent Mr. Fly catapulting into orbit from his bed on the balcony.....he'll be circling overhead for lunch sometime in the next few days...
So many good things to sample again...it was worth the wait.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I bet Freud came up with his relief theory because he used to laugh when he ejaculated. I prefer to wait until I see something funny, like a baboon's arse.

Valerie said...

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in! Good to have you back - although feeling you on the blogger absenteeism. Too busy ignoring the news, living under a rock, upside down in some yoga pose, and keeping the wine glass full. Cheers, Sir Scarper!

Phil said...

Mark: Re:” Where do I start to comment on all this? It's all too much …” Chuckle, chuckle…you Philosophers and proper writers can be so humerous sometimes. Well you’re clearly devoting way too much personal time critiquing all those passionate writer students of yours and its stressing you out a bit tis all. Try sampling my relaxing ‘nature sounds loop thingy’ in the post below or maybe ‘chill’ out over at Twitter for a while and I’ll promise to post more pretty pictures next time just for you – honest. Thanks for cycling by though.

Steve: Foood??! Did I really start writing about food in here somewhere as well then? My my. My memories obviously gone AWOL again. I’ll have to take a day off an read all this more carefully again then, cos I wandered why I couldn’t find my pile of ‘foodie’ notes anywhere. I must have dropped them all in here by mistake. Thanks, cos I need them for chapter 28 of next years new post. Natash in just jeans? Well ‘yes’ apparently, and I hear they plan to show her presenting the news with her bared back to the camera this time, just to deny the ‘chaste’ communities a chance to rant and rave. I’ll leave you to limp off carefully to the shower block again today then. Just be extra slow and careful when you lower that zipper of yours.

Fly: And thank you back for making me laugh and wobble a lot at the vision of poor, unsuspecting Mr Fly ejecting into orbit at the opening chords of Hendrix strumming his heart out in the jungle out there. I should have issued a ‘volume control’ warning with my ‘play this’ instruction shouldn’t I? Sorry. Try contriving a huge great sign on the ground outside out of loads of old sheets and mosquito nets... “Jimmies Gone – Tea’s Ready – Your Cleared To Land – Out” …and I promise ‘he will come’.

G.B: “The Sig:…laugh when he ejaculated?” Well you can hardly blame him for being truly delighted and relieved at reaching the precise moment it was thankfully all over, so to speak – I mean have you ever seen the pictures of his scary wife? She made even a baboons arse look like Venus on heat.

Valerie: Re, “…living under a rock upside down in a yoga pose and keeping the wine glass full…” Wow. Now that’s what I call a new & original act! Do you perform at ‘Wakes’? We’ll happily pay you in wine dregs and warm Guinness. Specially if we can stand real close to watch. Or did I just tread on a couple of commas you dropped in there somewhere? You’re finally pissed off with pasta and ‘bring on the rib-eye specials’ again now then? It won’t last. You’ll..‘be back’. Just you see. Cin cin!

The Sagittarian said...

Oh man, when you're back your're back!

Phil said...

Saj: It must be all those positive rays man.

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